Nesting in Aqua Sheets: NZ PM’s & Greens Co-leader’s secret ‘love’ trysts

'Smart Greens': Or fallen in Love with a Nice Image?

‘Smart Greens’: Or fallen in Love with a Nice Image?

With the coercive powers of Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth, Sophia Bigg-Storm gets the scoop on the secret love trysts at the top of the New Zealand economy’s political sex chain between Prime Minister John Key and Green Party Co-leader Metiria Turei. Wondering why this unlikely pair of ‘Aqua Lovers’ co-mingled in the first place, Bigg-Storm unexpectedly finds that beneath the slickly-marketed Smart Green economy ‘solutions’ to human-induced environmental collapse, is a technocratic nightmare that many in the worldwide environment movement does not comprehend.

By Sophia Bigg-Storm, 4 December 2014


Aqua Love

New Zealand’s collective jaw is about to drop on news that the political terrain between the governing National Party and opposition Green Party is closer than anyone – even key insiders – ever imagined possible. It is not because more people have learned the implications of the Green’s pre-election stance that it is more pro-market than National. New Zealanders, like the iconic flightless bird – the Kiwi – after which they like to be known (through elite social conditioning), do not think much about consequences.

Rather, it has emerged that prime minister John Key and Green Party co-leader Metiria Turei are now lovers. Their love trysts – that enjoins the far-right wing multi-millionaire ex-banker and the centre-left ex-welfare drawing solo mum – means two of the economy’s top politicians have been sharing pillow talk while they have been sparing against each others’ respective colleagues at work.

Incredibly, this lurid sex scandal has been financed by bond-holders who have been betting on how long it will last, derivatives buyers speculating about how it will unfold, and investment bankers offsetting the lovers’ naked political communications with a brand of carbon market credits, known as DeceitNeutral™. Their Political Sex Partnership (PSP) effectively signifies that Neo-liberal Teams Blue and Green have merged to create an Aqua-coloured political centre.

Key and Turei have been rendezvousing for the last two months, sometimes at hotels around the New Zealand economy’s capital city, Wellington, and it’s largest city, Auckland, where most of the speculative capital is gambled. Sometimes the New Zealand economy’s newest and most secretive power couple have even stolen themselves away for sneaky political sex at their respective homes.

It turns out that Metiria Turei got inspired to buy aqua-coloured organic silk sheets after John Key’s far-right wing National Party thumped the political ‘left’ with an electoral win that turned the New Zealand economy’s map, and lefties, almost completely blue. While sales in anti-depressants to left-wing people spiked after the election win, and then tapered off as the movie Fight Club was passed around among hardcore lefties, the plucky Greens co-leader suddenly ‘got lucky’ (See related story, Fight Club: From Lefty Malaise to Politically Just-Right Karma Sutra).

Blue Tory Ink: The New Zealand Economy (AKA NZ Inc.) and ‘lefties’, turned almost completely blue after the blue-coloured right-wing National Party’s trouncing win.

Blue Tory Ink: The New Zealand Economy (AKA NZ Inc.) and ‘lefties’, turned almost completely blue after the blue-coloured right-wing National Party’s trouncing win.

The Proposition

But, it is how Turei got lucky with the economy’s allegedly most powerful man that is equal measures unlikely and uncanny.

Turei propositioned Key one afternoon shortly after the 2014 election amid the portentously cold Southern Hemisphere spring, when all the parliamentary press gallery reporters had answered in the affirmative to the magic ‘all clear’ line, “Has everyone got everything they want?” As soon as the chummily conditioned reporters left, Turei slipped out of the shadows from the back corner of the pressroom.

She accosted Key while he was ‘killing’ some documents in a portable shredder that he had installed behind the lecturn during the height of the Dirty Politics scandal, to provide a covert means to destroy incriminating evidence right under reporters’ noses.

According to Key’s lucid recollection (and a true test of the Lasso of Truth’s power), Turei handed him a wrapped parcel and he said, “What’s this, a hippie tangata whenua peace-offering ritual?” Beaming, Turei apparently said, “It’s material to build an aqua nest with, stupid.” Turei claims she raised her eyebrow, and Key asked, “An aqua what?” as his eyes dropped to her cleavage for a brief moment and then he sniggered as he said, “Aaah, a wahine pick-up ritual.”

“I’ve had some unexpected propositions in my time,” said Key (AKA ‘the Smiling Assassin’), who was mentored in the Dark Art of Wizard Bastardry by English comedian Rik Mayall when he was an investment banker in London in the mid-1990s. “But Metiria’s seduction was the last thing in the world I would have dreamed of as a means to cement a fourth term.”

Soaking up the Suck-luckers: The smarmy Smiling Assassin’s election victory was based on a perversion of democracy.

Soaking up the Suck-luckers: The smarmy Smiling Assassin’s election victory was based on a perversion of democracy.

Key earned the nickname, ‘the Smiling Assassin’ because he smiled during hospital visits to give Mayall blood transfusions to save his life, after he nearly killed the comedian during a high-speed broom chase over London in April 1998. Because the former London and Wall Street banker had received wizard blood from the comedian, who used magic to be funny, the Dark Wizard Banker was needed to provide compatible blood.

From Muggle to Wizard: Ex-Banker’s Suppressed Lasso of Truth Interview.
From Muggle to Wizard: Ex-Banker’s Suppressed Lasso of Truth Interview.
For her part, Turei saw the powerful symbolism to being the love interest of the prime minister, because he oversees a patriarchal capitalist state economy. “Everyone knows that skyscraping towers are phallic symbols, so I figured seducing Key would be the best way to consummate the Green’s pre-election disclosure that our party is more pro-market than Key’s National.”

Metiria reasoned that Key’s third term as prime minister would be beleaguered with official probes, court cases and more whistle-blowing related to the Dirty Politics scandal. “I knew what she had to say to be true,” said Key. “So did those in the National Party and the oligarchs [super-rich people who steer politics] that constitute the New Zealand economy’s ‘Twenty Ruling Families’.”

With the famously territorial tui birds singing their sexually-charged songs as they walked around Wellington’s Botanical Gardens at dusk on Friday September 26, their springtime discussion quickly became a question of how such an improbable union could occur.

Key says he admired Turei’s forthrightness and ability to grip his balls while articulating a sophisticated argument. “You never see that kind of maneuver in parliament, in courtrooms or in TV studios. Public debate has become so wanky and its always promising prosperity for everyone in some vague and undefined future, like a secular form of the Vatican Empire’s mythical Heaven. Her gift is to embody the political present in this outpost of the Fourth British Empire and 1st American Empire, which is indebted to foreign pixies”.

Aqua Love: The Aqua Alliance between the Greens and National Party is a cutting edge Political Sex Partnership (PSP).

Aqua Love: The Aqua Alliance between the Greens and National Party is a cutting edge Political Sex Partnership (PSP).

The Green’s co-leader convinced New Zealand’s prime minister that the only way his party could survive a third term and for himself and key insiders to keep their white privileged wobbly arses out of jail, was for his Tory-modeled, blue-coloured National Party to merge with the neo-liberally captured environmentally half-conscious Green Party. Turei explained that the Green’s could do for the National Party what New Zealand’s anti-nuclear movement did for the United States and the United Kingdom when New Zealand joins them in wars largely of NATO’s scheming: make them look good.

Key asked Turei, “I’m hardly a thoroughbred, so what’s in it for you? Aren’t you risking alienating yourself from the Green-skins?”


Smart Green Economy or Totalitarian Nightmare?

Turei explained to Key ‘the market’ was the most efficient way to confront the major issues of sustainability. According to Turei, Key sniggered. Annoyed, the Green’s co-leader “educated” Key that the only way to fix the planet was to make big polluters pay through is through a carbon credits trading system.

Meanwhile, Turei told him, “an international price on carbon is coming, which means every single thing on the planet will be measured and priced for its carbon-equivalent Smart Green Economy value.”

Being a shrewd ex-London and Wall Street banker, Key could see that what Turei was describing would require a worldwide technocratic superstructure. He already knew that. It had long been planned.

The CEO of NZ Inc., as Key likes to think of himself, says he smiled when he realized that Turei’s obliviousness about the construction of technocratic super-states was, in effect, confirmation that the New Zealand economy’s environmental movement did not understand what a technocracy is. “You’d think tree-huggers would read Patrick Wood’s stuff”, Key said referring to the editor of The August Forecast & Review, who traces the roll-out of Smart Grid technologies to the roots of a little-known technocracy movement back in the Great Depression era.

“Wood. Tree-huggers. Get it?” asked the Smiling Assassin, who seemed oblivious to how Jokes get killed. I explained that when a Joke gets explained, it quickly dies an unfunny death, humiliated. Key snorted. It didn’t help. The Joke stayed dead.

In the hope that this recently deceased Joke’s short life was not lost in vain, Professor of International Criminal Law at Auckland University Dr. David Lynchman gives an unfunny definition so that people who still read will learn something crucial to avert the intended technocratic nightmare. “At face value, a technocracy suggests a benign economic system that allocates energy and resources equitably through quotas, rather than through capitalism’s current price system.”

“The amusing thing is that a technocracy is a totalitarian system of government that is administered by scientists, engineers and technicians”, said Key. “It’s amusing because it leaves the same unseen oligarchs that have become super-rich off capitalism still at-large, to have their same scheming private bat dinners at the same bat locations all around Gotham and its satellites.”

Turei at this point had zoned out and was watching a Reconstruction video about Nicki Minaj’s ‘Anaconda’ and One Direction’s ‘You & I’ songs. The production made her giggle – a lot.

Spooky Tracking: How social control will become a chilling science.

Spooky Tracking: How social control will become a chilling science.

Key continued, “By its very design, Smart Green Economies will be controlled by technocrats, engineers and scientists who would be working, whether they realize or not, to ensure that ordinary people and the things they consume are tracked everywhere because everything will be chipped with its own unique number and read by wireless chipped Smart Readers. It will mean the complete loss of anonymity, privacy, and dignity – if we get away with it”.

In this New World Order, laws have been incrementally passed to set the totalitarian trap shut on people who simply break sparkly greenwashed Future City codes for protesting, says Lynchman. It is intended that the freedom to dissent will become highly risky because the world’s police forces are being steadily militarized with the spectre of terrorism, much of it conducted by ‘deep-state’ actors from the North Atlantic Alliance.

Meanwhile, mass publics have been deliberately demoralized, distracted and disenfranchised in order to avert a global counter-movement to the silent ‘free market’ revolution, in accordance with the ‘1980s Project’ (first reported upon by Laurence Shoup and William Minter in their 1977 book, Imperial Brain Trust), explained Key.

“Most Muggles and Hobbits have experiences but miss their meanings”, said the Smiling Assassin smiling. “It’s a foible that elite policy planners rely on to keep mass populaces in holding patterns”.

Not surprisingly, Key says he liked Turei’s idea to create an ‘Aqua Alliance’ because he saw in it a new mechanism for such a ‘holding pattern’. Indeed, the Smiling Assassin liked the Green co-leader’s idea so much he exclaimed, “You ripper!” and the pair got into the spirit of spring on a leafy bed prepared by the Seven Sisters of Papatūānuku.

Turei and Key rooted among the native trees in the Seduction, the Fantastic Rocking Horse, and the Splitting Bamboo sex positions of Karma Sutra fame.

During these sex positions, Turei gave Key a new creation to get him through the repercussions of the Dirty Politics scandal. She calls her creation the ‘Blue Steely Resolve Face Look’, which Key had “down-pat” by the time they had finished consummating their Political Sex Partnership (PSP). (See accompanying story: ‘Blue Steely Resolve Face Look’).

Blue Steely Resolve Face: Appearing sincere, assertive and firm all with one look.

Blue Steely Resolve Face: Appearing sincere, assertive and firm all with one look.


New Zealand’s first ‘Aqua Couple’ said they had been “testing the water” before announcing it to their respective parties, and the public, in keeping with the New Zealand economy’s role in the global economy as a live experimental lab to test new technologies, ideas and propaganda before the world gets hit with them.

“It’s been a wonderful couple of months”, said Turei. “Except, for the weird totalitarian nightmares that I keep having when my head is close to John’s. They are like a fusion of Bladerunner, Brave New World, Nineteen Eighty-four, Neuromancer, THX-1138, and Jennifer Government. There’s an unsettling feeling to them, that unseen power brokers suck everyone into their ‘hi-tech dream-world’ – forever.”

“We’re like the lab rabbits”, said Key, “only Metiria and I are not being made to wear toxic make-up”.

“You would think that in capitalist societies where tricking your kids into believing that Santa is benign, it would make Hobbits and Muggles more skeptical about everything once they find out the whole world is in on the lie”, chuckled Key. “I mean,  every grown-up now knows that Santa has out-sourced his vast manufacturing operations to the sweat-shops of perpetually developing Brown Economies, powered as they are by coal and oil. It’s a rich white man’s world”, and we lure Hobbits and Muggles with colours right from their very first Christmas when they all ignore the toys and play with the packaging”, sniggered the Smiling Assassin.


Amazonian-American journalist Sophia Bigg-Storm tried to break the story that World I and World II were conjured by an Anglo-American Brotherhood who conspired to dominate the world by controlling oil and finance, through a system enforced by military aggression, subversion and other intrigues.  Bigg-Storm’s investigations were suppressed by her former employer, The National Enquirer,  a newspaper that movie critics think is just make-believe because it was depicted in the film Citizen Kane. She was recently gifted Wonder Woman’s Lasso of Truth on a recent holiday to her ancestral home of Paradise Island, which is driving other reporters mad with envy. SEE: Snoopman News

See story: Blue Steely Resolve Face: How John Key was Mentored to Appear Sincere, Assertive and Firm with One Look, and What It’s Hiding.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: